Searching For Hope

Sometimes I find myself riddled with sadness and frustration. I hate feeling like I'm unable to help others in a meaningful and lasting way. So many of my students live in terrible homes with parents or guardians who neglect them or abuse them. Many of the students come to school in filthy clothes, clothes that don't fit or have holes in them, and without having been fed properly. Some of them come to school exhausted because their parents don't have a bed for them to sleep in so they sleep on the floor. I make a lot of calls to social services and they are mostly just a waste of time. They rarely do anything to help if they do anything at all.

How can we expect children to be ready to learn when their basic needs are not met? We can't. That's the truth of it. So what, as educators, can we do? I have yet to find an answer to this question.

I want to help these kids, give them clothes, care, food, and all the things that little children should be getting from their parents, but I just don't make enough money to support multiple children. I've been considering creating a charity drive for children in need that attend our school. It would be so nice to just go and grab whatever a student needs...clean clothes, clothes that fit, a book bag, school supplies, or whatever. I haven't really figured out how to do this yet or if it would even be appropriate for me to do so.

Experiences of the Unexperienced

Lately, I've been really frustrated. I've felt defeated and unheard. I've battled with myself on "ethics & morals" versus "what is right or wrong simply as it is defined by law." I'm realizing the extent of my naivety. I once thought that professionals actually had ethics, believed in them, and followed them like personal law. Ethics is stressed so much in our training programs. I just assumed that people really believed in doing what is right. I have found myself in many moments of a "reality check" related to this issue. The reality is that people like me are the minority. Granted, I've only been working in one place so far. So, I'm just hoping that it's not as bad in other places. I'm hoping that not all the world is corrupt and heartless.

Another realization I've come to lately is that people working in a helping profession feel helpless a lot more than I had anticipated. As our economy continues to implode and people continue to lose their jobs, the stress of it all trickles down to the children. Then those children go to school feeling angry, helpless, sad, and confused.  Some parents are at least helpful enough to make an effort in the home environment to help their children but most are not. It is a hard reality to face when we can only do as much as we can while we have these children a few hours a day, then they go home and we start all over again the following day. It takes a lot of courage and perseverance to keep on keeping on in this field of work. Sometimes at the end of the day, once I'm alone, I cry. It's all I can do to put on a happy face for these children. They need that more than anything. They need someone who will always be super excited to see them; give them high fives, hugs, and unconditional positive regard. But sometimes I have to pull them out of a dark place or calm them from a rage. This is both physically and emotionally exhausting and it's all I can do to not break down crying in front of them. It hurts me to see such little children be in so much emotional turmoil. It's just not right, they shouldn't have to deal with the things they have to deal with. But I keep doing what I do because the little successes are so powerful. I keep doing it because I could never be content sitting idly by watching people suffer. I have to do something even if all it is is making a someone smile.

I love my job, don't get me wrong. I absolutely wouldn't want to do anything else. But there are a lot more challenges to this than I thought. I'm learning every single day. I love that too, but sometimes it's a hard lesson I have to learn. 

I've also decided that I will start closing each blog with a profound quote. Words of others often provide me with comfort and inspiration. By sharing them I hope someone else finds inspiration and comfort as well. 

“Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

At the End of Each Day I Leave With a Sigh and a Hope In My Heart That I Did My Very Best

“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends. To appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

I find myself returning to this quote for comfort time and time again. It reminds me that I need to take a minute to realize that I am doing the best that I can and the best that I can is good enough...right?

This year has already been very draining and it's barely even got started. I am working more closely with the ED/BD self-contained classroom and we just got a new student in there a week or so ago. It's been hard. He has been diagnosed with juvenile bi-polar disorder. I've never really worked with anyone who is like him. He's such a wonderful and imaginative little guy, but can switch into a fit of rage and fury in an instant. I don't even have to be in the classroom all day and it drains me. It's not really physically draining, although at times it can be, but more emotionally draining because I know these kids all have troubles and trauma. I want to do so much to help them, but sometimes I feel like there's really nothing I can do or I just can't do enough.


Sometimes this job can be so taxing, but I still love it.

Something to Think About

I have this situation with a student. He's been in many schools and has been a continuous behavior problem. He's on an IEP for SLD. Now he's 18. He comes to school, yet he does not have to. He says he wants to graduate, yet refuses to do any work. What gives?

I feel I am missing something very important here. I just can't put my finger on it. 

I Need All The Answers and All The Magic Cures

On the outside I may look like I've got it all figured out. It just must be the case because lately people have been bombarding me with questions. I feel like I need all the answers or I'm not doing my job well. It's a lot of pressure. I wish I did have all the answers. I want to be able to help so many people at once. Then I run into the other issue of time. There's just never enough of it.

I Didn't Realize How Much The Kids Would Teach Me

The school I work in this year has several severely handicapped children as well as one child who was recently handicapped by a car accident. While I spent my time in college my goal was to get out in the world and help children, but it didn't really dawn on me that they would be teaching me too. This one little girl is such an inspiration and so humbling. Last year her family was in a terrible car accident. She was only in the 3rd grade. She was paralyzed from the chest down and lost her grandmother who was her significant parental figure. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to cope with such losses particularly if you're a young child. Yet, every day I see her with a giant smile on her face. She has embraced her new life, it appears, with such grace and dignity. Many of us adults admit that we wouldn't probably handle such a loss as well as she appears to be doing. She is inspirational.

Whenever I get angry or upset about something that has happened in my life, I remind myself that I still have a lot. I must be thankful. Because like this young girl, things can change in the blink of an eye.

We've Got To Have Goals

As we embark on the 2011-2012 school year I would hope many, if not all of you, are thinking about what you want to get out of it. Regardless of what you're doing or where you are it's good to have some idea of what you want to accomplish in a year even if it's something as small as remembering to pick up your dirty clothes every day...or week...for some it could be every month! But I digress. The point here is that each year I have some idea of what I want to accomplish. Last year as an intern it was things like:

• Don't cry in front of your boss
• Don't die
• Try not to look like an incompetent fool
• Be organized (still working on this one)
• Don't let fear keep you from trying something new that you might actually be good at

Other than the organization I think I did a pretty good job on my goals last year. I did cry in front of my boss, but it was for a good reason so I still count that one as a win. I managed to surprise myself with how prepared I truly was to get out on my own as a School Psychologist. I didn't die, obviously. (Unless of course I'm writing this from beyond....oooooh)  I didn't have too many opportunities where I might look like an incompetent fool and when I did I got through it by just knowing it was okay to say "I don't know". That is a shining point of teamwork for sure! One doesn't have to know EVERYTHING! It is okay to be human. And then we have the fear, which was with me almost every day, but I didn't let it keep me from trying new things.

Some of my fears were things like, "Did I do enough for this child?" "Could we have done more?" "Did we make the right decision?" and of course "Do people like me?" I think those fears will probably stick with me throughout my practice. At least I hope they do. I do this job to make a difference in the lives of others (hopefully a positive difference) and if I didn't worry about those things I probably wouldn't be serving my students the way they deserve to be served. The one about people liking me though...well that's debatable.  As an intern you do want that. You want everyone to like you and be nice because, well, let's face it, we're scared and fragile little graduate students who are rummaging in unknown territory. There's a lot to learn in the first year and that in and of itself can be downright petrifying. But do we need people to like us? I'm not sure I have a solid answer for you yet. I'll most likely get back to you on that. The reason being is that one of my goals for this next year is to learn to be the bad guy. I'm not looking forward to it really. For some reason it's hard for me to tell people the critical truth even if I do say it as nicely as I possibly can. Fact is I'm telling them something they don't want to hear and they will more than likely hold a grudge against me for it. This happened to me with a couple individuals over last school year. I tested the waters of being the bad guy, but it was easier for me with those people because I didn't really like them to begin with. So, it was easier because I didn't care if they didn't like me. I was following the law, policy, and what is best for the child. I don't bend there. They didn't like it and so I created some enemies. But lucky for them, and for me, I won't be working at their school this year (not so lucky for the students though).

This year is going to be a whole new ball game. My assignment has changed and I will now be working in only one district.  This year I am going to have to take the risk of being the bad guy with people I do care about. That's going to be hard. I work very closely with some of the people I'm needing to offer constructive criticism to so there's a real fear that they can't be professional and they'll create drama, which is what happened last year. I don't like drama and not only do I find it to be extremely counterproductive, but also harmful to the potential success of our students. However, I know that unless I say something nothing will change. So, this is the pickle I am both excited and leery to see unfold over the next school year.

In the end it boils down to one realization. I've worked almost my whole life to have the power to make a positive impact in the lives of others. Now, I have it.  And I must always use it with skill and grace. What a powerful and incredible avenue I've been given in this life. And it's only just begun.

I have several goals for this year even though I've really only talked about one thus far. Some goals are large and long term, others are small and easily achievable, but we must always have something to work towards. I will close with a quote that I find inspiration in every day.

 "What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others." - Pericles

I hope someone else out there can find as much inspiration in these words as I have. Now go out in the world and do good.

So many resources!

Sometimes I feel that we limit ourselves too much to this intervention or that. Many teachers want to do as little as possible and change as little as possible about the way they are doing things. This is unfortunate, not only for the teacher, but most definitely for the students we work with. As time goes by and we begin to implement RtI in most schools an individualized education is available to just about every student. By individualizing so many student's education we can become overwhelmed. Understandable. At the same time we must recognize that as a human race, each of us are unique individuals. Given this unique person we all are, there are also many things certain groups of people may have in common such as learning style. This is where small groups come in! But again, even in small groups many teachers tend to resort to what they already know, refusing to expand their knowledge base and experience. Change can be good people! 

As a School Psychologist I am constantly perusing academic research, internet resources, and the latest ideas in how to make the biggest impact for the students I work with. I share them with others and hope that they get as excited about them as I do, but most of them couldn't care less. This is disappointing, but it doesn't stop me from hoping that one day I will find the right resource for the right person, they'll try it out, it will work splendidly, and we'll all be so excited! I've come across some resources that I would really like to share.

Check them out!
- http://www.studiostudio.nl/project-dyslexie/
- http://jumpmath1.org/approach
- http://www.khanacademy.org/
- http://www.autisminternetmodules.org/

It Goes So Quickly

At the beginning of every school year I look out into the future beyond and become hopeful. All this time we have to work with, to make a difference in the lives of others. It doesn't take long for me to get to the point where I feel more like, "Eeek, This year is going by so fast!". Despite the haste of time I feel I have accomplished much in my first year. (Technically my internship...not the first year per se.)

For one thing I was far too busy to sit around and blog about my experiences all the time. That was somewhat disappointing, but at the same time tolerable because hardly anyone reads this yet anyhow. I justified my lack of blog entries with the progress I made at my job and with the kids. Oh! And I accomplished one major thing this spring...GRADUATION! Yes people it's true, I finally made it! I got my Ed. S. May 6, 2011. I finally stand on top of that mountain of time I spent being educated and am excited to jump down into the workforce of educators. And it is in Kansas where I will leave my first mark.

Now I know a lot people wish I would say, "Yes, Kansas was my destiny and I love it here." I could say that, but it would partially be untrue. I do love my job. I love the people I work with and the amazing kids who humble me and inspire me almost every single day. There is a lot to love. However, Kansas just isn't me. I'm not a country bumpkin. I miss the amenities of the city and being around people I can relate to a little bit more. I miss having friends my age and I miss my family. At the same time I feel like I've done great things here and there are so many supporters I have to thank for that. I have been lucky to have administrators go to bat for me this year. I worked in two school districts. One administrator in one of the schools was telling my coop administrators not to place me in their district next year because that person didn't want them to tear me apart (the cultural attitudes in this district are not the most positive especially towards Special Education). That person believed in me and didn't want my spirit for this job to be killed. At my other school administrators were getting on soap boxes (figuratively) to advocate for me to have a position solely in their district.

I didn't get everything I wanted out of my internship, but what I did get out of it wasn't even something I had fathomed. For so long I have been led to believe that I am worthless, stupid, can't do anything right, (thank you D.S.B.) but I found all these things to be false. People really do value what I have to offer. People really do see the passion I have for kids and this job. This is only the beginning! I am so excited to see what the future has to bring.

So this fall I will again come to the beginning of the semester with a bag full of ideas ready to kick it off as soon as possible. I will look toward the future as I try to continue making progress in areas that did not make as much last school year and I will definitely know how to better organize my schedule for meetings this time (One of those very important thing you don't learn in college). On to the "official first year"! This coming school year I start wearing some new hats as the School Psychologist for just one district. I will be serving again on the EMS Building Leadership Team and assisting that building in developing an MTSS framework for the school in the area of reading and math. I will also be able to do more mental health related tasks as I take on the leadership role for the ED Cluster Program Self-Contained Classroom. I am so excited. My job is so rewarding!

Trying To Make a Difference in the Lives of Many

At times my efforts seem futile. As a school psychologist I am sometimes up against barriers that seem unsurmountable.

I haven't blogged as much about my internship as I had originally anticipated, but I've made up for it with the many things I have learned in such a short time.

One of the most profound things I've learned is that administration is much more powerful than I originally thought. I have found that it is the administration who tends to set the tone for the atmosphere of the school they manage. The ideals and attitudes of the powers that be tend to trickle down even so far as to impact significantly the lives and education of the children who attend their school. Administrators set the stage for working relationships among teachers and other staff, how they problem solve influences how smoothly the school will run, and their general demeanor towards others impacts how the rest of the school will act toward each other.

I've had the opportunity to work in two different school districts and they are as opposite each other as up is to down. With the two different schools it is easy to distinguish the differences and where these differences stem from.

The part that breaks my heart the most is seeing how it impacts the children in these schools; their education, their emotional well-being, and their personal values. Now I know I can't blame it entirely on administration as the community around the schools makes its mark as well, but for the most part these children spend a large amount of their life under the influence of those who are educating them. So it is profound.

In schools with poor administration and old school beliefs about special education versus general education, people like me who wish to make a difference tend to feel somewhat helpless in making change. So in the end I have to ask myself..."What small places can I make a difference?" Sometimes it is only in those small, and sometimes very brief moments, that I can make a difference in the life of a child. Like a hug when a child is having a rough day, words of encouragement when a child has accomplished something they struggled with, a simple smile and hello, and sometimes just listening. So I must seize it with vigor and tenderness.

I will end on that note with this very inspirational quote that I think ties in well with the topic of today's blog.


‎"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are."~John Wooden